Recently I took a deep dive into my hard drive of photos and started to feel reflective of the year. This is a little embarrassing, but as time passes I often find myself forgetting when I did this or when I did that, but photos really help me bring back certain memories – maybe this the start of my memory declining lol – and when I realise how much time has passed between every “life event” I’ve had it’s quite amazing how far I’ve come each year or even just within the months of the year.
The months of January to April were kind of a blur but it was in these months I felt like I learnt the most about life. To expand on this – I felt like this is when I experienced the most new things out of the year. There was a lot of movement in my life. The loss of a family member, the heartbreak of a relationship, and also the literal reconnection of a friendship.
I also felt like these were the months where I was mentally challenged to think about my next steps in life, because up until this point it has mostly just been about finishing school and finding a job. Pursuing a career has always been drilled into me since I was a child, but it was this time where I really thought about this further and how I wanted it to be. It was around this time I really noticed how my life was now versus how I thought it would be by the time I reached this age.
For those of you wondering – yes some aspects of my life so far have been what I thought it would be and some not at all, it is so very far from what I imagined.
However, to move forward from the earlier part of this year, it did get better – because if you don’t personally move yourself forward life will remain the same – it really is a mind over matter game for me. I believe that you have to be the reason why something changes in your life, even if it’s a small one. Even if that change is so small no one else notices, the most important part is that you notice – and to me, that is change.
May to September were some of the best times this year. Maybe because it’s now the summer (my favorite season) or because I wanted it to be better and it happened. I must have been really motivated this year because I started so many things – a blog, a youtube channel, I started to draw, and I met more people!
However, there must be some rule of life that when things are good it must be too good to be true. Because once again towards the end of August to October there have been many goodbyes. But this is when I learned – and this is continuous learning really – that not all goodbyes are bad, but actually good. This type of goodbye can be in the form of having toxicity leave your life – that’s extra stress you never needed. Goodbyes are hard and no one likes them – even if its a toxic goodbye.
But other forms of goodbyes are from closer friends as well. Just as you have your own life, so do the people you care about. I think as friends it’s important to understand that your life is your life and their life is their life. It becomes an amazing experience with both of these lives interact with each other but this shouldn’t mean that they should be super glued together – just because you can doesn’t mean you should. This type of goodbye is one you should look forward too honestly, it means personal development for the other party and this should be celebrated.
Finally, we wrap up the year and what an ending this has been. Now to cover the months of October till now, December. These have been the most agonizing months of the year, and for good reason. These are the months where I really questioned everything. I started to reflect on what I actually did and evaluated what I liked and disliked.
I really went through the process of trying to find a job and the constant routine of editing my resume, applying to a job, going for an interview, facing rejection – it all gets overwhelming really fast. I struggled with myself and the direction I was taking, constantly asking myself if this is what I want – and still doing.
Do I look lost in this photo to you? I really tried to find a photo taken closer to the end of the year which really captures my expression of how I feel towards the end, and I believe this to be pretty accurate.
I feel like to most people this is not how they want to end the year, but in reality I feel like this is how I am going to end the year. If you also feel this type of way do not worry because you are not alone – because I am also here feeling lost as to what to do now. I don’t intend it to stay this way because I want my life to change again, but as of right now I don’t know how I want it to change. I can say for certain that something will change but I don’t know when – and I am okay with this because I know eventually I will make up my mind and move when the time is right for me.
In summary, it’s important to know that even though the year is moving on and 2020 is roughly 15 days away you shouldn’t feel rushed to move with the year. You should move when you feel ready to move, and start that as your new year.
So here’s a photo of me with my back to 2019 and facing forward to 2020 in excitement for what next year has to offer me, and what kind of changes I make for myself!
As always, thanks for reading – Mi ❤